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Are we really going to argue about pancakes & donuts?

Relationships are all about choices, even before breakfast on a Saturday!

Choices during Breakfast

Last night my husband joked about bringing home a dozen donuts after picking up his daughter Marley from a sleep over. I told him I would make a big breakfast. He joked again about the donuts, but I thought we were on the same big breakfast page.

This morning we woke before 8a. He went out to get Marley. I started making breakfast. Before he left, he lovingly requested the bacon to be fried by the time he got back. I was on it!

Bacon, eggs, pancakes, coffee and juices – I hustled to make sure they were all ready to grab and eat by the time they got home.

Who thinks he came home with donuts?

Well, they got home around 8:45a when I had just flipped the last pancake – low and behold, he had a box of a big dozen Dunkin donuts in his hand. I glared at him, hard, while holding the plate of pancakes for what seemed like a solid 60 seconds.

Husband: “What?! I told you I was getting donuts. All I asked for was bacon hunny.”

Me: “Yes, but I thought you were joking!”

H: “Um, no, I wasn’t… want a donut?”

Me: look of despise

H: “Are we really gonna argue about donuts?”

Here is where the choice comes in, and you really only have 2 options:

1. Be pissed. You spent time and groceries making pancakes, cinnamon vanilla pancakes mind you. You made sure butter was softened for easy slathering. You put a spread of different types of syrups out for dousing the ‘cakes. There was a dozen pancakes, warm and ready. And now there was a dozen competing donuts. Ugh.

Or

2. Enjoy your breakfast. And, tell your husband to enjoy his. Hand him some bacon, pour him some coffee, and tell him to enjoy his donuts.

By the way, if you ask most 7 year olds what they want, donuts or pancakes, they will probably choose donuts, too – yep. I was eating pancakes, 12 of them, solo.

On the bright side, since Eggo and McDonald’s can freeze their pancakes, reheat and serve, why can’t I? I now have 4 servings of pancakes all to myself – 3 gladly eaten this morning (yum!), and 3 for 3 more mornings (yum x 3!).

I chose option 2. I thanked my husband for making sure I had breakfast for the next 3 mornings. I thanked him for the recently gifted griddle I used for the first time ever to make the pancakes. And, I ate my gourmet, homemade breakfast while they ate their donuts (and bacon). We all enjoyed our breakfast and we all enjoyed our morning. Subsequently, we went on to enjoying the entire weekend.

In the words of Mark Manson, author of “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”,

In my life, I have given a f*ck about many things. I have also NOT given a f*ck about many things. And, like the road not taken, it was the f*ck not given that made all the difference.

How many of you could have used a not-gonna-give-a-f*ck attitude adjustment if you were faced with the pancake vs donut episode?

Bottom line: it’s a choice.

Simply decide: Are pancakes REALLY worth ruining your morning over? And, over time, are things like pancakes REALLY worth potentially ruining your relationship over altogether? I choose no (I choose hell no!). And, if you love your husband like I love mine, the choice will be the same for you, and it will be the easiest decision of the day.

I love my husband. I love my family. I am blessed beyond measure. Pancakes and donuts ain’t got nothing on love.

Pancakes/Donuts – 0; My marriage – 1.

Fear: keeping us from what we REALLY want

I recently attended a conference call about FEAR.

FEAR

It’s such a negative word. Unfortunately though, it has such a presence in most of our lives.

We fear so many things. Things we can control, and worse, things we cannot.

Take a minute to yourself, and think of something you fear. I want you to use this as an example as you go through the rest of this reading.

I’ll use my greatest fear as an example: FEAR of Failure [it haunts me like a plague].

There is a HUGE difference for most people between what they really (like REALLY) want and what they are actually doing. That rings totally true for me.

If you think of your fear, can you think of something in your life in which fear is keeping you, maybe even holding you hostage from? I can.

3 years ago (to the day!), I walked across a commencement stage earning my Master of Arts in Mental Health Counseling. It was phenomenal. However, one challenge… I didn’t know if I wanted to be a therapist anymore… Fast-forward to over a year ago, I decided a great way to use those skills and fuel my passion could be becoming a Life Coach. I took courses to become a Board Certified Coach. I earned enough credits to sit for the certification examination. End of story.

Yeah… that end of story was not a typo. That’s where that ended. You know why?

FEAR.

OMGosh, I fear failing so badly that I froze. Geesh. I spent a couple thousand dollars (that I don’t just have laying around by the way) on courses just to ditch obtaining what the courses were for. I know. It’s ridiculous, right? Well… is it that ridiculous? I’d actually venture to say its quite common. We do that kind of thing to ourselves all the time. Are you with me?

 We get super pumped and fired up about something, we dive in, we fiercely and confidently navigate the waters and then… BAM! We let a little water in our nose allow us to feel like we’re drowning. Exit stage (or pool steps) right.

Then, we deal with time. Time can seem to move so slowly at times, like when you’re at work waiting for clock out time. But if you look back on pretty much anything in your life, doesn’t it seem like yesterday?

Graduating with my Master’s degree seems like it was literally just yesterday, but at the same time, I CANNOT BELIEVE the reality is that it has been three years. What have I even done with my life in three years?

Truly, I have done a lot in 3 years… I still can’t help but think I have cheated myself of 3 years (1,095 days!) without taking risks I need to REALLY fulfill my divine, deep purpose. Why am I here – on this Earth – what am I MEANT to do?

Why haven’t I chosen to be ALL IN and LIVE BY my true, undeniable, unfaltering PURPOSE?

FEAR.

Take a minute to look away from my story and my path, and think about yours. You might feel sad. You might get emotional. I am sorry if you cry. However, its real and really deep stuff! It is normal to feel emotion. Allow yourself to feel it for a few moments, and then come back to this reading… we are almost done.

I want to give you an example from my recent life that you may or may not resonate with – either way; I hope it serves some insight.

Because I KNOW I want to inspire people; I KNOW I want to help people; I KNOW I want to change lives and even the world; I recently made a career decision I thought would help serve that purpose.

This story begins with what isn’t the beginning… I was on a team call with other Beachbody Coaches and my “up line Coach” 2 weeks ago. The topic was, believe it or not, FEAR! One of the things she asked us to think about is, what is your WHY, like your unshakeable WHY for doing this – Beachbody Coaching. The purpose in her context was to allow that WHY to keep you from allowing FEAR to break you down. Very great message she gave us that night.

The super ironic thing about this message for me though, was the epiphany I had. I say epiphany, but if I am being honest with you and with myself, it really wasn’t THAT much of a surprise to me.

Taking a couple steps back… in February 2016, I decided to become a Beachbody Coach. Ever heard of Beachbody? Yes. It is one of those pyramid things… direct sales/multi-level marketing. When I joined, the purpose I recited to my fiancé was “I just need to get back into a community of women – I need to be empowered and provide empowerment. I need to get back into the realm of inspiration”. This is what I formed as my WHY my up line Coach was referencing.

Back to that call on fear… my not so surprising epiphany… hah. I have to laugh because sometimes that’s the only thing that keeps us from crying, right?

FEAR.

God forsaking FEAR. FEAR is truly WHY I joined Beachbody. I FEARED so badly starting my own business, and putting myself out there, developing my identity and branding as a Life Coach – I feared no one would want to listen to me, or that no one would be impacted by me, or that I wouldn’t help anyone, or WORSE, that I might make something worse for another because well, I might totally, flat out fall on my face FAIL at Coaching. The answer was to abandon my desire and passion of becoming a Life Coach, and substitute that with joining a pyramid-style business model. Why? For me, working in something in which I had nothing to lose was FAR LESS intimidating.

Have you ever done something thinking it was with good intention but realized that in reality, you did it because you let FEAR keep you from doing what you really, REALLY want? I am as guilty as you.

The Coach I mentioned said something else that night during our call on fear that was super impactful. She talked about a quote by Jim Carrey, “you can fail at what you don’t want, so why not take a chance on something you love?”

I shall put my own spin on the same message.

“You can fail at anything.

Why not take a risk at something you REALLY want

rather than on something you really don’t.”

Yeah. That.

This does NOT just go with jobs, folks. This goes with anything in our lives. Relationships, parenting, friendships, sports, fitness goals, anything!

Yes, failure is a real thing. HUGE DISCLAIMER on that though y’all. Who defines failure?

Webster defines failure as lack of success. I URGE YOU to reconsider what success means – when you do, you can redefine failure.

My example:

Success = taking risks that allow myself to feel worthy of doing the things I love and am passionate about, no matter the result.

Therefore…

Failure = NOT taking those risks

Perspective shift, anyone?

Don’t let FEAR keep you from asking the universe for what you really want. You CAN ask for it. You must ask for it. ASK FOR IT.

Relationships – love and respect

Relationships are special

I am incredibly blessed with mine.

My hunny and I recently went out of town Easter weekend – from Bradenton area where we live down South to Boca Raton. My plans for us were to have a Friday night alone to do whatever we pleased, then spend Saturday at my Dad’s for my brother’s at-home wedding that started at 5p. Sunday was the travel-home day. We have the best relationship and I was so excited to spend time with him.

On the 3 1/2 hour drive down, hunny mentioned desperately needing a new laptop – he has been doing complex web designing amongst other things on the side, outside of his 50-60 hour a week full-time “real” job, bringing in more money to support our home, and really does need a updated machine.

He also mentioned having researched buying one and found a discount for one a guy was currently selling just South of where we were going to be staying and was interested in trying to make the purchase. Before our trip, I mentioned the possibility of hanging at the nearby casinos – hunny was agreeable, and even said “well I guess I know where were gonna be!” As far as I was concerned, that is the plan and I was excited for date night. Relationships with no itinerary are great if you ask me, but I was happy to have something in mind he was already digging!

We arrived at the hotel around 7:30p, both hungry and ready to be outta the vehicle. I immediately broke out my make up bag, my array of outfit choices and started getting ready. I recently lost almost 10 pounds and couldn’t wait to show it off to him. I wanted to look good for my man. Its great for relationships to go outside of your normal dating “territory”, and no matter what we did, I was happy to be with him in a location other than home field.

I did my make up, my hair and put on a sexy black dress – and he immediately looked in my direction, seemingly perturbed, wearing his already traveled in under armor shirt and jeans… “you over there dressed for prom and I am in a gym shirt… I didn’t bring clothes for that… why didn’t you tell me… and are we going to go meet this guy for this laptop or what?!”

Ugh – insert sinking belly feeling and a moment or two of the “he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t want to be with me’s” – dramatic, I KNOW! But I immediately felt unloved and shot down.

I retorted quickly and with nothing short of an attitude with my thoughts of the laptop being the last thing I wanted to do and how I didn’t think I had to tell him we were going to spend a night on the town because DUH, he loves me and he should KNOW. Again, insert sinking, overly dramatic, he doesn’t love me belly feeling (i.e. the mind-body connection).

He retorted just as quick, and in that moment all I hear was babbling… about how he needs the laptop, and he told me the guy was selling it, and we are only here this weekend, and he might only be available tonight, and why didn’t I tell him to bring clothes to go out?!

I crawled into my he doesn’t love me or want to spend time with me, dramatic, female shell. He got offended, but in retrospect he did a fairly decent job at hiding how pissed off I believe he was.

Do you see what happened here?

He felt disrespected.

I felt unloved.

It doesn’t get any more complicated, or uncomplicated, than that.

He has been working his ass off… 50+ hours day job, working through the night getting slim to no sleep on his “side” job, bringing in money and the potential of more in the future so he can continue to go above and beyond in supporting his family – me included, obvi. Getting the laptop wasn’t a social event for him. It wasn’t a “fun” plan. And it wasn’t a cheap one either… it was a NEED.

What else was he supposed to do when I was getting ready to go out, drink, eat & spend money… while he is thinking about MAKING money… my biggest concern was having fun.

Humility is tough. Humility is especially tough in relationships.

Perhaps I didn’t explain the plans, or that I didn’t really have any other than going out, drinking, eating and spending money – and he needed to be able to dress for that! Perhaps he didn’t explain his plans, that the laptop purchase was a for sure thing, and it would be smack in the middle of our Friday night.

Humility was needed on both sides as it usually is in successful relationships. Luckily, we are quite good at that. I won’t say we didn’t argue, and that I didn’t have a tear stroll down my cheek, but what we did NOT do is continue the misery of pushing each others “disrespect” and “unloved” buttons. We humbled ourselves equally, I put on some jeans and a fitted tee, we ended up not going the extra 30 minutes South to meet the stranger for the laptop, and we DID drink, eat, and spend money – most importantly, we had fun, we loved all over each other, and we were definitely not short on humility, love and respect.

Body -n- Soul by: Asha Bandele

I was introduced to this writer by a passerby in my life; perhaps he came into my life just to introduce me to this poem, because it surely became a pivotal piece in my life. I first read this piece of poetry by Asha Bandele a few years ago, in 2009. It hit me from the first stanza, smack dab on the face. Smack dab on my body.

You see, I used to struggle, deeply, with eating disorders and all the self-hate (mind and body) that came along with it.

Within the first stanza, I was trapped… have you ever felt this way?

If so, I’d love to hear from you and try to help you find peace with your mind and body*

This is taken from
Absence in the palms of my hands
by: Asha Bandele

Body-n-Soul

i didn’t mean for my towel to drop or to be standing nude in front of the
full length mirror the other morning…but there we were, trapped,
the three of us: me, the mirror and my naked body.

i’ve avoided being nude in front of myself for years…i have hated my
body for nearly as long as i’ve had one
i’ve been a million different sizes in my life, but never quite the right size…
my skin was never quite the right shade…
always too light or too dark depending upon
who i was with.

it’s not as though i don’t know better…
i’m embarrassed to know as many theories as i do
and still be in struggle.

i know that the american aesthetic is perverse, anti-woman
and bounded by a solely western sense of beauty…i know
that even americans did not demand this image of prepubescent fragility
in women until well into this century… i know the
wideness of my hips makes biological sense…
and i know a million other feminist theories and truths…
i have books filled with highlighted paragraphs to prove that i have studied
and
understand these self-affirming things…but that knowing doesn’t change
the way i’ve felt for at least the last 15 years.

i am ashamed to say that i hate my body
but it has been my enemy for so long now
& i know somewhere that the real enemy has been the various reactions
that my body has created in other people who have their own
issues biases agendas & afflictions
but it’s easier to attack my 5’6″, lightskinned, 142 pound frame…
i have no power over the men who pay me/my body attention
i never wanted
or dispelled affections i desperately needed…
depending upon my state of fatness or thinness…
but this body which is mine, i can
stairmaster
diet, jog, powerwalk and starve into submission.

i don’t want to live this way.

i want to see the value of my body in the creative framework of what it
does despite its conformity or non-conformity to the western tradition
i want to value the body i have which has always been able to hold and
to love
to dance, walk, write poems, clean houses, massage my sister, rise every
morning and
try try try
to contribute to another life,
which like mine,
is struggling for something we hesitantly call
peace

*anyone active in an eating disorder will be referred to therapy. If you are in recovery, and want to work to stay there and continue to move on from ED, please reach out.

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